Testimonials

Testimonial from RA – part one of 2

Night-time Thursday comes with no relief. Thursday night I relive all the same steps… second by second… milli-second by milli-second. I think that death has to be better than this. I find myself crying. I pray to God to please get me thru this. Friday morning comes. My wife leaves the house just about 9am. I force a smile as she leaves. I keep thinking. I can’t live another moment like this. I cave in. GOD PLEASE HELP ME. PLEASE GOD…. I grab my computer. I Google “vicodin withdrawal”. I read several of the results.

But one jumped off the page at me. Buprenorphine Facts. I read about it. I think I would like to try it. I need something. But I am terrified to call a number. I don’t want to be treated like some derelict from the streets. But I am HURTING SO BAD. I really want to be unconscious. I click on the option for a list of Suboxone doctors near you. I dial the first one. I get a recording “Please Leave a Message”. I am not going to leave my name on one of these machines. I start crying again. I feel hopeless. I gather myself for a second. I dial the second one. I start thinking. Maybe I should just call 911. And then I hear a soft voice on the other end of the line. I hear the voice say “Addiction Alternatives” and some other words and I just state, “I am in trouble. I am in severe withdrawal and don’t know what to do.”

The voice reassures me I am going to be ok. And the dialog continues. I am already feeling better knowing I called, and I feel I called the right place because of the confidence and reassuring manner of the person talking with me. I needed hope immediately. In this initial call I made an appointment for a few hours later. My wife drove me in. I felt that I was being treated as though my situation was of the utmost importance to them. I knew they were serious about helping me.

I went through the initial meeting and set up for my first treatment for the next day. I was exhibiting moderate to severe withdrawal symptoms. Somehow I managed thru to see the doctor and get to that first treatment. I feel the shakes, trembling and jerks of my head back and forth.

I am told that I am going to be surprised as to how quickly I will begin to feel better. I will be given a half pill and place it under my tongue. It will dissolve totally. Do not swallow. All absorbing is done under the tongue. I hear the technical mumbo jumbo but it isn’t sticking. I need relief. The first pill is gone.
Amazingly, I am feeling better in about 30 minutes. I don’t mean that I want to get up and dance or that better means I have anything close to a feeling of normal. It means that instead of deteriorating physically, I actually feel less like throwing up. I place another pill under the tongue. I find that I am salivating uncontrollably which is not what I am instructed to do. Keep the pill under the tongue. Let it dissolve without creating a lake of saliva in my mouth. This pill goes better. My stomach cramps are almost gone. My shivering is stopped. The overwhelming depression I was feeling has subsided. Another half pill under the tongue. I cannot not believe what I am experiencing. Second by second, I am feeling better. The nurse checks my vital signs. Almost normal. She checks my arm for tremors. Almost gone. One more half pill later and I am sitting in the chair with a smile on my face. It is a smile from within. I am not high, but I don’t feel drugged. In fact I feel like I used to feel years ago prior to going into opiate pain management.

I feel tears welling up in my eyes. I realize that for the first time in a very long time I am not either thinking about how much longer till I can take a pain pill or “how long ago did I take my pill, I should feel something soon”. I say a prayer to God. Thank you God. I believe I have just been given my life back. I have a tremendous debt to pay starting with my loving wife who has watched me deteriorate over the last few years and even in anger and frustration, stuck with me.

The next several days I continue to feel better and better. I get up without the alarm. I am motivated again. Life is good! My optimism on life in general is returning. My sense of humor is coming back. My wife says to me. I feel like I am getting my husband back.

To be continued….